Advice From a Friendship Coach: How to Turn an Acquaintance into a Friend

In an interview with Life Kit, Vellos shares details on how to turn a stranger into a friend, based on scientific research and his work as a friendship coach. In that role, she helps people who have trouble finding friends where they live, and talks to city leaders and city planners about designing places to connect. This interview is edited for length and clarity.

Let’s talk about how to see a friend in the wild. Maybe this is in a social setting or a group dinner. How do you know if this person might be a friend?

Notice who you feel warm with, you feel safe with them. Also notice if they show a lot of curiosity about you.

Not really the most fun person in the room. They may have a lot of charisma and magnetic charm, but they may not make you feel grounded.

Let’s say you meet someone who seems cool. How can you ask them to participate?

A common mistake people make when trying to make new friends is that they wait too long to see that new person again. And at that moment, the spark can come out.

There is research on how long it takes to turn an acquaintance into a friend. It comes from the work of Jeffrey Hall, [a professor of communication studies] at the University of Kansas.

He weighed how many hours does it take turning a stranger into a friend: Over 30 to a common friend. [Those hours] they really need to be stressed, preferably in those first few weeks of dating.

This study confirms what your intuition might say: The more time you spend together when a relationship is new, the more likely it is to stick.

Many times, adults will follow some kind of strict rule that says you can’t stay two days in a row, or you can’t see someone more than once a week. Unfortunately, this is why so many friendships end.

As for what you can do together, he suggests choosing a memorable activity.

Coffee days are fine. Most people default to them on a first date. But the coffee is forgotten. It doesn’t sound important. It’s easy to cancel and doesn’t give you much fodder for discussion.

So choose something that interests you the most. It will increase the excitement, [and people are more likely] not cancellation.

So if you tell me you like to knit, I might say, “Hey, there’s this really cool yarn art show. Do you want to go?” Chances are you’ll say yes because it’s something you really like.

There is another benefit. Cornell University researchers found that when people who don’t know each other do something unusual together, it bonds them faster than doing a casual activity, like another coffee.

If we do something out of the ordinary, that novelty grabs both of your attention and gives you a memory to have together. [Going to] a vintage car show or a vegan truck festival will be more memorable than that latte.

What if you start dating and realize you don’t really like them?

It’s okay not to ride this train until you get to the bestie station.

Decide if you want to stop seeing them, or if you just want to move them to the outer connection ring.

There are definitely rings. There is your inner circle. The next ring is the friends you can invite to the birthday party. The next ring is [people you’d] enjoy seeing randomly, but don’t want. Then it is [people] that he is right for being strangers.

Let’s say you have a new friend. It’s going well. He has been out a few times. What are some ways to make friendships stronger?

I often say that there are four letters of connection: compatibility, frequency, intimacy and commitment. I explain this in my book. If these four factors are present, there is a good chance that this friendship will last forever.

The first is compatibility. Hopefully there is enough mutual interest and chemistry there that you want to pursue it. Then it’s frequency. How often do you see each other? Proximity is how much time you can spend in person, face to face. How close can you get?

Over time, if you both commit, you both commit to the friendship.

Story edited by Meghan Keane. We would love to hear from you. Leave us a voicemail at 202-216-9823, or email us at LifeKit@npr.org.

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