And in the process, they found easier and more effective ways for parents to deal with the tsunami of trials in children’s lives.
Focusing on determination can backfire
Willpower is the ability to resist the temptation in front of you, says Milyavskaya. “The concept of resisting temptation with effort.” For example, your ability to say no to a fast food cheeseburger and choose baked salmon instead. Or resist a video game and finish your homework.
“Fifteen to 20 years ago, it was thought that you could train willpower,” he adds, by building a child’s ability to resist temptation the way athletes build muscle—through practice. Let the kids play video games each day and teach them to stop after one hour, for example. Or expose your children to “forbidden” foods, such as chips, cookies and soda, so they can learn to control themselves and not play too much.
“There was this idea that the more often you’re exposed to junk food, the better you’ll tolerate it,” says Michael Inzlicht, a professor of psychology at the University of Toronto. But there was one big problem with this method: It doesn’t work for long. “Evidence from my lab and other people’s labs suggests that it won’t help you in the long run.”
In fact, he says, trying to build children’s strengths actually backfires. By offering children frequent temptations, parents teach children to choose and seek these foods and activities. “What do you think the kids will like?” Inzlicht asked. “Fatty foods and sugary foods because that’s what we’re programmed to like,” he said.
New techniques for modern trials
Original studies on superpowers rely on surveys or questionnaires to measure a person’s self-control and success in life. The researchers hypothesized that this questionnaire measures a person’s resilience—the ability to resist the temptations in front of you.
But in the early 2010s, psychologists decided to stop relying on research and, instead, study what people do in real life to meet their long-term goals. The studies revealed a surprise, Inzlicht said. More successful people did not have better willpower compared to less successful people. Instead, successful people set up their lives so they didn’t have to use energy all the time. They exposed themselves to several trials.
And this is a strategy parents should teach their children, says Wendy Wood, professor emeritus of psychology at the University of Southern California. Wood says: “Teach them to choose situations that reduce their chances of doing wrong.”
Actually, parents don’t have to teach kids how to say “no” to a marshmallow sitting in front of them — like in the famous Stanford study — but instead, learn to “put a pie pan on top of a marshmallow,” Wood says. Or how to avoid being in a room with marshmallows.
“For example, parents can teach children to leave their phones in another room when they’re studying,” says Wood, or use apps that block distracting websites and games. They can teach children how to keep sweets and processed foods out of the house and out of their purse or car. In other words, parents can create times and places in children’s lives where distractions or temptations are not an option at all – and show them how to use this strategy themselves.
Learn to love what is good about you
The good thing, Wood says, is that parents can help kids love healthy alternatives — like salmon and bok choy for dinner, like playing outside with friends, or like working hard at school.
“Your kids’ choices are malleable, and they’re actually partially influenced by what they’re exposed to,” she says. “You can really learn to like things that are good for you.”
To shape their preferences, he says, give your children more opportunities to experience the joy of these healthy options. For example, Wood wanted to teach his children to love reading. So he kept books in the car and in his bag. “I like to eat in nice restaurants, and I go with my kids.” While they were waiting at the restaurant, their only choice was to read. And so they form a habit of reading. “Today my children are still good students.”
Finally, Marina Milyavskaya of Carleton University says, pay attention to how you talk about healthy eating and activities. Don’t present them as burdens, sacrifices or punishments. Instead, focus on how delicious this food is or how fun the offline activity is. Research has found that our language shapes our food choices, and how much we eat.
“Whether it’s eating healthy or going to the gym, if you make the activity fun in the moment, you’re more likely to do it again,” says Milyavskaya.
So if you want your child to like salmon, talk about how it tastes with yummy, sweet soy sauce and wild rice. And how good it makes you feel after eating it. Something that can be made for a frozen dinner.
